“I knew I loved her. Kind of. Really deep down.
They say that when you look at your baby for the first time you’ll feel it. I didn’t. I think I had some sort of post-baby-shock-syndrome. I’m pretty sure I was on the Health
Visitor red alert or watch list as I burst into tears pretty much every time they came round, and they came around a lot! I lied to the doctor at the six week check when he said, ‘You are enjoying her though, aren’t you?’ Yes, of course (I wasn’t) I’m just a bit tired (mind-numbingly exhausted) It’s just a phase! (GAH!!)
I was never diagnosed with PND, nor do I think I actually had it, but I was possibly on the cusp. I think mine was more just a severe anxiety triggered by ending up back in hospital with her in baby week 1 because of dehydration. It took a long time for me to relax and start enjoying my little one. Talking to other mums helped, having a WhatsApp chat group with my antenatal buddies helped, getting out of the house to meet people helped, family coming to stay helped…basically everything that helped me involved people.
TALK. TO. SOMEONE.”
Katrin
“I think the first (&worst!) part was admitting that I had a problem, 2nd time round for me and all should have been easier, or so I thought. Admitting I had a problem did really help, just saying ‘Okay, it is okay that I don’t feel okay.’ Then telling people, then getting help! I flat out refused drugs, assuming they would turn me into mush, but I went for talking therapies via the Wellbeing service. There is a long waiting list but it is a great service. I was also referred to Homestart where I was paired with a wonderful volunteer.
It was (& is) tough, I still shy away from leaving the house but am in such a better place than I was and have learnt some on-going tools to help me. I guess the message is there is another side, it just feels unreachable at the time, let people help you and keep talking.” Anon
“I just wanted to let you know a little about mine in my first pregnancy so you can share it if you want to. I had pre-natal depression, which I don’t think is as well known about so maybe it’s worth highlighting? Luc
kily I eventually went to the Dr and she signed me off work as I think I was stressing trying to keep up with it and trying to do as much as I used to do. I was in a lot of pain with my pelvis and unable to walk. I was also feeling scared about being a first time mum as I didn’t know anyone else that had children/babies. My hormones were crazy and I remember once just lying in bed all day not eating or drinking because I felt so flat and detached from myself. As soon as my baby was born the darkness lifted so I was very lucky. Thankfully this time round I haven’t suffered with it at all.” Anon”
“My twins were born extremely prematurely just before the start of the pandemic. They spent 3.5 months in NICU, and when covid hit our visiting was restricted to one parent for 2 hours per day. Throughout their stay in NICU I just got through each day- fighting the fear of Covid to go into the hospital, the guilt of leaving my precious babies and the fear of how they’d be doing the next time I visited and much much more. When they finally came home and life settled down and into routines I realised that I was not ok and that it wasn’t just going to go away. I was having regular flashbacks from their birth and stay in NICU and that was impacting on my relationship with my children. Unfortunately, due to covid, there were no groups to go to and chat to other mums as I think that may have made a big difference and helped me to open up. Eventually, I self referred to the wellbeing service and the help I got was really good. I processed the memories, realised that I had been doing everything I could for my twins and slowly my PTSD improved.
Being a mum has changed me forever and having twins born so prematurely will always be something that has massively impacted me and my perspective on life. However, I am so thankful I sought help so that it’s just part of my story and I can live in the present rather than forever reliving the traumas of the past. ” Anon
